


Love is Pain and Chaos Wrapped in Heartache

by ussmckirk



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-31
Updated: 2014-04-06
Packaged: 2018-01-17 15:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1392766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ussmckirk/pseuds/ussmckirk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Physically and mentally recovering, Jim has considered coming clean and telling Bones that the biggest regret he’d had while lying in that radiation chamber, waiting for death, was that he’d never told his best friend how completely, pathetically, ass-backwards in love he was with him.</em>
</p>
<p>  <em>The new-found awkwardness between the pair, however, has been holding Jim back. If things were stilted now, he could only imagine how uncomfortable they’d become if Bones knew Jim had been carrying a torch for him all these years. </em></p>
<p>In the aftermath of Jim's death and recovery, both Jim and Leonard struggle with their feelings for each other. Both men are pushed into action when the Starfleet brass hold a hearing questioning Leonard's ethics as a doctor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Love is Pain and Chaos Wrapped in Heartache 1/6

***************************************

When Jim wakes up--miraculously alive--at Starfleet Medical, the first thing he sees upon opening his bleary eyes is an image of Bones, dressed all in white, peering down at him, eyebrows furrowed intently. 

Jim's initial thought is, huh, Heaven is real after all. He's feeling no pain. In fact, he feels rather floaty and serene. There is a lightness to him. The heaviness he carried in life, gone. The lack of weight on his shoulders is both foreign and a relief. That, along with having Bones with him makes Heaven no longer seem like such a far-fetched concept.

Jim smiles, lopsided and sloppy from the drugs, wanting to tell Bones that he wouldn't have been so scared to die had he known he'd have a replica of the person he loved most with him in the after life. Spit pools in the back of Jim's parched throat, though, and he has to swallow hard to clear it.

Still trying to get his mouth to cooperate, Jim clumsily lifts and reaches out towards Bones' face. It was something he'd always longed to do, but had never had the courage for in life, scared that Bones would jerk back from his touch, face contorting in anger, or disgust or pity. 

Before he can complete the gesture, though, Jim stops short and frowns, realizing something isn't right. Spock is there, standing beside the doctor, and though he'd grown much closer with the Vulcan as of late, it was strange to think he'd figure so prominently in Jim's Heaven. A sharp pain in his chest is Jim's second clue that he isn't quite dead after all, and that it is the real Bones who is peering down at him.

Jim immediately lets his arm fall back to the bed and hopes Bones attributes the redness in his cheeks to fever or exertion or something.

Embarrassed about what he'd almost done and all that action would've revealed, Jim drops his gaze to the blankets that cover him.

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic," Bones quips, a tightness in his voice. "You were barely dead. It was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were in a coma for two weeks."

Jim blinks. "Transfusion?"

Bones runs a tricorder over him, and something about the familiarity of the action is comforting. "Your cells were heavily irradiated. We had no choice."

Jim's brain seems to snap back into focus, the haze he'd woken up in rapidly dissipating. "Khan?" 

"The one and--thankfully--only." The doctor's keeps his eyes fixed the tricorder's reading as he answers. "Once Spock caught him, I synthesized a serum from his superblood."

Bones briefly meets his eyes and smirks, but something is off in the tilt of his lips, the way his eyes dance around the room. "Tell me, are you feeling homicidal, power-mad, despotic, Jim?"

Jim isn't sure what's caused Bones to seem so stilted. He tries to smile, but it's a weak effort. "No more than usual."

Bones huffs in an anemic version of his typical fond exasperation, but somehow it seems like a weak effort, as well. The doctor turns and fiddles with Jim's IV line, eyes fixed on the task as if it required great concentration. 

Jim took the momentary silence as a chance to take a conscious breath. He was here. He was alive. And, of course, he was glad about that. But, it was also overwhelming.

As the silence dragged on and Bones continued to busy himself with tasks that didn't seem to actually need his attention, Jim frowned. 

Had Bones noticed how he'd tried to touch his face? Was he freaked out that Jim had tried to caress him in a more-than-friendly fashion?Jim feels his stomach plummet. Bones is acting awkward. He opens his mouth, intending to explaining the aborted gesture away, but snaps it shut again before saying anything. It'd probably be best to just ignore it. If he didn't say or do anything like that again, Bones would likely write the whole thing off as Jim being loopy from the drugs.  
Jim manages to feel relieved and disappointed at the same time.

Looking at Bones, that familiar jawline, the curve of his lips, the lines that pop up between his eyes when he frowns, it suddenly stings, and Jim deliberately looks away.

Turning towards Spock, he smiles and this time it's simpler.

"You saved my life," he acknowledges to the Vulcan. His tone is glib, but his face belies his sincerity. It's a bit difficult to look at Spock without seeing the Vulcan's face, streaked with tears, as Jim confessed how scared he was to die. It was an image that should have never been: a Vulcan with evidence of unsuppressed emotions gleaming upon his face, but it was image that Jim could not regret.That moment between Spock and himself somehow seemed to solidify the friendship Jim had been trying to forge with the other man since the events of the Narada.

Jim squints up at Spock, who to the untrained eye appeared stoic as ever, but Jim detects a softness around his eyes, a forward tilt in his posture that told of his true feelings. Tired, Jim grins, letting his head fall back on the pillow. For Spock, those tiny indications mean that the Vulcan is practically bursting with joy.

"Uhura and I had something to do with it too, you know," Bones cuts in, and Jim bites his lip, unsure what to say to that. Thanks for saving my life, as usual? Sorry you have to keep piecing me back together because I can't seem to keep from falling apart? Jim sometimes wonders how long it'll be before Bones gets tired of taking care of his trouble-prone ass.

"You saved my life, Captain, and the lives of the-" Spock begins, and Jim turns toward him, glad to have his thoughts interrupted.

"Spock," he breaks in with a soft huff. "Just...Thank you."

Jim means the thanks as more than just for catching Khan. Spock had been there for him in those last moments and, though he'd wished for Bones, having Spock there with him had been a great comfort. Especially since the Vulcan had shared in the emotions of the painful experience and had allowed Jim to die in the presence of a friend.

Spock seems to understand and nods slowly in response. "You are welcome. Jim."

Bones must have given him another dose of meds via IV because Jim feels the pain he'd be feeling recede. He struggles to keep his eyes open, but the fatigue that still covers him like a too-heavy blanket is too much to ward off. Jim drifts on the edge of consciousness for an inestimable amount of time before something Spock says catches his attention.

"Perhaps the Captain would be better off being released into my and Nyota's care, as we are both currently on leave and have no other duties, while you will be occupied here at the hospital."

"Like hell," Bones barks loudly before seeming to remember where he is and dialing it down a notch. "I told the higher ups I wasn't taking on any patients other than Jim until he got better, and that I'd be taking a few weeks of leave as soon as he was released. Jim is my patient and I will be overseeing his recovery."

Jim feels a warmth spread through him at Bones adamant insistence on being the one to take care of him. Yes, Bones' devotion was driven by his dedication as a doctor and as Jim's best friend, but it still cradles Jim in its hands. The feeling of permanency and care that Bones has brought into his life was one he'd never experienced before he met the man, which makes him treasure it all the more.

********************************************* 

A/N:

I'm not sure how I ended up writing McKirk fic. I never intended to write McKirk fic. But, I wrote a thing. Which turned into a fairly long thing.

A bit of actual dialogue was taken from STID. That doesn't belong to me, obviously.


	2. Love is Pain and Chaos Wrapped in Heartache 2/6

Love is Pain and Chaos Wrapped in Heartache 2/6

*******************

Things had been a bit strained once Spock made his departure. Awkward, even. Which was something that Jim had never felt around Bones before. Physically and mentally recovering, Jim was getting increasingly frustrated by how Bones had been hovering over him since his resurrection.

For the week after his awakening, Jim had considered coming clean and telling Bones that the biggest regret he’d had while lying in that radiation chamber, waiting for death, was that he’d never told his best friend how completely, pathetically, ass-backwards in love he was with him.

The new-found awkwardness between the pair, however, had been holding Jim back. If things were stilted now, he could only imagine how uncomfortable they’d become if Bones knew Jim had been carrying a torch for him all these years. Jim had done plenty of flirting with Bones their first year at the Academy only to be shut down at every attempt. He knew how Bones felt, and he knew that his feelings were of friendship alone.

The bottom line was that Jim needed Bones. Yes, he’d regretted not telling Bones the truth while he’d teetered on the brink of death, but it was much easier to confess something when you knew you wouldn’t have to actually live with the repercussions of that confession. Jim simply wasn’t willing to ruin their relationship so he could be honest about his feelings. Especially since nothing would come of those feelings anyway.

Bones had refused to take on any patients other than Jim while he’d been in the hospital, and had then taken official leave once he was released so that he could stay in Jim’s quarters with him at all times. The attention was nice. Jim knew that Bones was only watching his every move—how much he slept, how much he ate, even if his freaking bowel movements were regular (and God, that was a conversation he hoped would never be repeated)—because he cared, but enough was enough.

With Bones currently in the shower, Jim is relieved to have a few minutes to himself for once. His right leg is bouncing up and down in an effort to release some of his pent up energy. Of course, Jim has been tired in the aftermath of all his body had been through (being irradiated and brought back to life will apparently do that to a guy), but it just isn’t in his nature to be cooped up for long. Sitting still day after day is starting to get to him, and he’s been getting more and more antsy as the week has progressed. Jim is fairly certain that if he doesn’t get outside sometime soon, he’s gonna go nuts.

Now tapping both his feet in an alternating rhythm, the Captain leans forward in his spot on the couch, reading from his paid intently. San Francisco was slowly recovering from the devastation the Enterprises’ crash had wrecked. The damage was severe, though. And the loss of life, enormous. Reading the report, Jim feels for a moment like he might throw up. How is it that he’s still here, when so many others are gone? Especially since it was his failure to stop Khan that caused all this turmoil and destruction in the first place? If only he had been better. Smarter. More like Pike. More like his father.

What was it that Khan had said? A captain should go down with his ship.

"The ship may have gone down, Jim, but it’s being repaired and rebuilt as we speak…the Enterprise is gonna be ready to go back up into the black soon, and when she does, she’s gonna expect her Captain to be in his chair, where he belongs."

Jim only realizes he’d said his last thought out loud when he hears Bones’ quiet reply.

Jim just nods, but gives Bones a small smile. It’s the first time since he’s woken that Bones has said anything to him beyond what a doctor might say to his patient.

Bones had been distant, painfully so, even once Jim had been moved out of the hospital and into the bedroom in his quarters (Bones taking the couch, of course). Yes, he was watching Jim like a hawk, monitoring his every move. And, yes, he was complaining about Jim’s straining himself too much or pushing himself too hard as Bones was wont to do, but the affection and the gruff fondness that always accompanied the doctor’s lectures and reprimands were gone. Instead the rebukes came out as flat, perfunctory, with no fire behind them. It was like Bones was just…done.

And that scared Jim more than anything. That perhaps Bones was getting tired of piecing him back together over and over again. That maybe he had finally had enough.

A different part of Jim, though, was almost hoping that Bones would cut his losses. He hadn’t failed to notice the heavy bags under Bones’ red-rimmed eyes. The doctor was running himself ragged over him and he wishes that Bones would start paying attention to his own well being for once. Judging by how drawn his best friend had been looking, Jim wouldn’t be surprised if he was running on only a few hours of sleep a night. But that was what Bones did. He was a doctor down to his, well, bones. The few times he’d tried to suggest that Bones get some sleep or even just sit down and rest, Bones had just glared and sarcastically asked him when he’d gotten his medical degree.

"Wanna sit down? Maybe watch a movie?" Jim asks all the same, hoping Bones will actually agree to relax for a few minutes.

"You haven’t eaten for a few hours now," Bones evades, nodding towards the kitchen and not acknowledging the question at all. "I’ll fix something for us."

Jim pouts at that. Both the rejection and the words themselves. He was sick of the bland and tasteless diet Bones had been keeping him on the last week. “Can we maybe order in?” he asks hopefully. “We could get Indian. Or Thai?”

"Your system is still trying to get back to normal. It’s best to stick to bland foods for a few more days," Bones refuses him, without pausing to even consider it. 

Jim huffs, but doesn’t argue. “Well, can I help you with the cooking?” he asks instead. Jim isn’t much of a cook, but he’s desperate to have something to actually do.

"No, that’s alright," Bones answers dismissively. Jim is disappointed that the doctor doesn’t take the opportunity to tease him about his lack of prowess in the kitchen. "You really should be resting," Bones vituperates, coming up and taking Jim’s arm to guide him up off the couch. "Go on and lay down a while. I’ll come'n get you when the food’s ready."

Jim bristles at the order. Bones has always been bossy as hell with him, at least when it came to medical issues, but without the underlying warmth, Bones’ mandate grates on Jim’s already strained nerves.

"I’m not tired!" he complains, pulling his arm back and sitting back down with a glare. "If you don’t want my help, fine. I’ll just stay out here and do some reading."

Bones’ eyes narrow as he takes in the news story displayed on the screen of Jim’s PADD. “You’re reading about how bad the destruction is?” he asks, though it’s more of a statement than a question. Mouth tightening, the doctor steps forward and reaches towards the PADD. “You shouldn’t be looking at that now, Jim. You don’t need the stress and you should be resti—”

"Oh, for fuck’s sake, Bones! Get off my back and leave me alone, already!"

It is hard to say who is more startled--Jim, who didn’t even register what he was saying until the words had exploded from his mouth, or Bones, who has gone completely still.

Jim watches helplessly as Bones’ face goes carefully, deliberately blank.

"Bones, I…" Jim starts to say, but Bones cuts him off with a sharp, curt shake of his head. He lifts a hand to hold Jim off--it almost feels like he's using it to push him away.

"Don’t, Jim."

Leonard’s tone is clipped, his eyes burning. It looks like he’s barely keeping himself in check. "Just…don’t."

The two men stare at each other for another tense beat before Bones, with an audible intake of breath, turns and disappears into the kitchen.

Jim wants to follow, wants to apologize and explain that he’s just stressed and antsy and that he appreciates everything that Bones is doing for him, but instead he just flops back down on the couch and drops his head back listlessly. “Nice job, asshole,” he mutters to himself.

Jim sits there, just staring at the doorway that leads to the kitchen for about half an hour. When he hears Bones setting their plates on the table, he doesn’t wait for the other man to come get him, worried that he might not. Walking up to the kitchen table, Jim obediently sits down in front of the simple mean of baked chicken and plain mashed potatoes that Bones has set out for them. Bones pauses for a moment, glances at Jim out the corner of one eye, then follows suit.

The sound of forks scraping against plates appears to be amplified as the pair eats in silence for several uncomfortable minutes.

Finally, Jim thrusts out a hand and grabs one of Bones’ wrists to halt his movements. “Bones…”

Jim waits several seconds until the other man’s hazel eyes flicker over to meet his blue ones in reply. Leonard's eyes are wary with a hint of accusation in them. Worst of all, Jim is certain he can detect some carefully veiled hurt.

"Uh…I was kind of hungry. Thanks." Jim’s manages awkwardly. Both men know he is thanking Bones for more than just dinner.

In typical Bones fashion, the doctor just grunts and shrugs a shoulder before going back to his food. Jim, though, sees how the eyes around Bones’ eyes soften and the tension held in his shoulder abate before he turnsaway.

Little else is sad as they finish eating, and Jim doesn’t offer to help with the dishes, not wanting Bones to decline the help. To reject him again. Even in regards to something as trivial as doing dishes.

Jim just says an uneasy, “Night, Bones,” before heading into the bedroom and passing out on the bed. He has a lot on his mind—enough on his mind that it would usually keep him from being able to sleep—but Jim’s still not operating at full capacity and the fatigue he seems to just now be getting over quickly knocks him out cold.

The next thing Jim is conscious of is a heavy weight draped over his midsection. Slowly blinking his eyes, he glances down to find Bones’ arm laying across his torso, Jim bites his lip, allowing himself a moment to savor the feeling of having a part of Bones practically wrapped around him. But he knows that it isn’t real. That Bones isn’t touching him, holding him, in the way that he wishes that the other man would.

Bones is only here because he’d fallen asleep while watching over him. The doctor is passed out in a chair by the bed, head tilted forward, one arm dangling off the side of the chair, the other slung across the blankets covering Jim’s body. He is still in his clothes, just as he was the other two times Jim had woken up to discover Bones crashed out in the same position.

Jim hates to wake him up, but he knows from recent experience that if he doesn’t, Bones’ neck will be killing him come morning. Jim checks the clock on the nightstand and sees the red illuminated 3:24 glowing in the dim lighting.

At least Bones can get a few solid hours sleep once he moves to the couch, he reasons. Jim sits up and turns towards his best friend, intending to cajole Bones into consciousness, but stops short, startled when he discovers that the other man’s eyes are already open. 

They shine brightly in the darkness, glossy and seemingly endless.”You were dead, Jim,” Bones rasps, gaze unwavering, and somehow accusatory. Imploring, as if pleading for something. “You died on me.”

"I’m sorry," Jim breathes out, taken aback. The moment has a surreal quality, and Jim’s not even sure if this is actually happening anymore. Maybe he is just dreaming. 

“‘Sorry, Bones,” he whispers again, his exhaustion starting to pull him back under. He lays his head back down, but holds Bones’ stare until his eyelids start to grow heavy. He thinks he feels a nimble hand carding gently through his hair, but he’s sure that it must be a dream.

 

************


	3. Love is Pain and Chaos Wrapped in Heartache 3/6

Love is Pain and Chaos Wrapped in Heartache 3/6

************************************

 

The first thing Jim notices upon waking up, even before his eyes open, is the absence of Bones. He’s not surprised, really. Bones has been getting up before him all week. Jim is disappointed, though. It would have been nice to wake up to the warm weight of the doctor’s arm still across his body. He tries to ignore the fact that, had that actually happened, he would’ve feigned sleep and savored the feeling of Bones draped over him for as long as he could have gotten away with it. A bit disgusted at the level of pathetic he’s descended to, Jim sighs as he slowly swings his legs around the side of the bed and gets up. Maybe he could talk Bones into some sugary cereal this morning. If the doctor hadn’t already made him breakfast.

"Hey, Bones," he calls out, opening the bedroom door and crossing the living room to the kitchen. "Bones?"

Jim stops in the doorway of the kitchen and stares for a moment. Bones isn’t there. Turning around, Jim scans the living room for his missing friend, though he would have seen him already if he’d been there. It wasn’t a big room. Jim knows Bones isn’t in the bedroom…

The bathroom. It’s the only other room in Bones’ quarters. Jim spins on his heel and goes down the small hallway. The bathroom door is flung wide open, and the lights are out.

"What the…" Jim suddenly feels a bit queasy.

Bones is gone. The doctor hadn’t left him on his own since he’d been released from the hospital, bringing him back to his quarters, and insisting Jim couldn’t go back to his own room because he needed ‘supervision’. Now Bones isn’t anywhere to be found, and he hadn’t said anything about leaving.

A note. Maybe there’s a note, Jim realizes, the possibility calming his newly jumbled nerves.

Jim searches the whole apartment—thoroughly—but there isn’t a note.

"So what…Bones had an errand to run," Jim mutters to himself, still pacing around the apartment as if he’s going to spot Bones any minute. His voice took on a note of self- recrimination. "Or maybe he just got tired of taking care of you all the time."

Before he even realizes it, Jim is back in the bedroom, picking up his comm. He selects Bones’ name and waits, biting his lip, as the phone rings and rings with no one picking up.

Jim feels a burst of annoyance at himself for being so bothered. “You’re a grown-ass man. You don’t need to a baby-sitter,” he scolds himself harshly. “It’s not a big deal.”

But it kind of was. Bones doesn’t just run off without leaving a note. Not if his absence would be unexpected. Unless maybe he was still mad about Jim being a dick the night before?

Shit.

Jim’s throwing open the front door before he can even fully process that he’s doing it. “Fuck it. I’m going to find Bones,” he mutters as he stalks into the hall and pulls the door shut behind him.

Since they’d been stationed on the Enterprise, most of the senior crew had no permanent residence dirtside, and Starfleet had decided they were much too well-known to be set up in student housing. It would be unseemly. Instead, the brass had sprung for small apartment suites at a hotel not far from headquarters. Each member of the senior crew had his or her own quarters, though Jim had yet to even see his rooms.

Jim strides down the corridor, past Sulu’s room and Scotty’s before stopping in front of Uhura’s. She always seems to know what’s going on. Maybe she has some clue where Bones has gone off to.

Jim lifts a hand and bangs on the door four times. Nothing. He pauses and then bangs three more.

The door swings open a moment later to reveal Uhura wearing a silky kimono style robe that hits her knees. She arches one eyebrow at him. If it had been a few weeks prior, she’d have likely made some snarky comment about his banging on the door like a Neanderthal (though the words would have held little bite. Jim and Uhura’s banter was something they did because they enjoyed it by this point, rather than a sign of any actual animosity). Watching your friend die and be brought back to life tends to have a sobering effect on people, though, so Uhura just rolls her eyes and waves Jim inside.

"Is there a good reason you’re knocking on the door at 7:30 in the morning, Jim?" she asks, gracefully sinking down onto the couch, legs pressed together and tilted to the side, ankles crossed.

"Oh," Jim stops and glances at the clock over the entertainment unit. "I, uh, actually didn’t realize it was so early."

"It is not a matter of ill consequence, Captain."

Jim jumps, startled, when Spock suddenly emerges from the bedroom. It hadn’t occurred to him that the Vulcan might be there, though he supposes it should have.

"We were not presently engaged in sleep."

Uhura promptly pins Jim with a look, almost daring him to make a suggestive comment on what she and Spock might have been otherwise engaged in, but Jim, just holds her gaze. He may having a reputation for enjoying sex with a variety of consenting adults, but Jim isn’t the guy who makes his crew feel uncomfortable about their personal relationships.

"Well, I’m glad I didn’t wake you," Jim replies simply.

It isn’t until Uhura’s features soften that Jim realizes she’d been tensed, on the defensive. He wonders just how much shit she’s gotten for having gotten involved with a professor while she was still a cadet, if she was still getting shit now that she’d been placed on the senior crew of the same ship her boyfriend was the First Officer on. Jim makes a note to write a commendation praising the bravery and unparalleled linguistic skill Uhura had shown in their dealings with the Klingons. Not only does she deserve the recognition, but perhaps others need to recognize just how deserving she is.

"Spock was meditating," the woman in question informs Jim, an amused curve gracing her lips.

Jim bites back a small smile of his own. “Well, of course he was. That’s why I’d assumed he’d been doing,” he exclaims with exaggerated innocence.

Only the slight green flush at the tips of his ears betray the fact that Spock knows he’s being teased. ”Was there something Lieutenant Uhura or I could help you with, Captain?”

"It’s Jim," he reminded Spock, literally waving away the formal address. The reason for his visit still weighing heavily on his mind, Jim cuts right to the chase, "And, yeah. Do either of you know where Bones is? He’s missing."

Jim doesn’t miss the look that Spock and Uhura exchange. There’s a lot of eyebrow action going on, and he gets the feeling an entire silent conversation is taking place. If Jim wasn’t preoccupied with finding Bones, he’d find it really impressive.

"He didn’t tell you where he was going?" Uhura finally asks Jim with a sigh.

"Uh, no. Obviously. Or I wouldn’t be here asking you where he was," the captain points out, slightly annoyed. He’s not sure if his irritation is caused more by Uhura’s evasiveness or the fact that Spock and Uhura apparently know where Bones is while he doesn’t.

"Perhaps Dr. McCoy would rather you not know his current whereabouts," Spock offers calmly. "If he wished for you to be apprised of his situation, he would he informed you of it himself."

"Situation?" Jim’s voice is pinched. "Bones has a situation?" He looks from Spock to Uhura and back again, his voice taking on a commanding tone. "One of you need to tell me what’s going on. Now," he orders the pair.

Uhura folds quickly. Knowing how tenacious she is, it’s obvious that she thinks this is something that he should know about, despite any requests Bones had made to keep things quiet. “Leonard is at a hearing with Starfleet’s Medical Ethics Committee.”

That makes Jim pause. He doesn’t know what he’d been expecting, but it certainly hadn’t been that. “Ethics Committee? What for?”

There is a beat of silence that is distinctly uncomfortable.

"Captain," Spock begins before stopping to correct himself. "Jim. It seems that some of the admirals believe Dr. McCoy’s decision to have your body cryogenically frozen and then inject you with an experimental treatment--notably one made from a serum derived from a biologically altered psychopath’s blood--was ethically questionable."

"Well, when you put it like that," Jim mutters as he processes Spock’s words. When it all sinks in, his heart falls into his stomach. Feeling a bit weak, he lowers himself down onto the couch. "So, this is because of me."

Uhura reaches over and places a hand on his shoulder. “Jim, this isn’t your fault,” she informs him firmly. “Leonard chose to bring you back, and you know that he doesn’t regret saving you.”

Jim doesn’t acknowledge her, instead looking to Spock. “What does this mean?” he asks the other man nervously. “Are they just going to give him a reprimand? Put a note in his file? Or could they actually suspend him?” He places his palms flat on the tops of his thighs and squeezes until it hurts. “Could they pull him off the Enterprise?”

"Any of those outcomes is a possibility." Spock pauses.

"What?" Jim watches Spock warily.

"It is also possible that the board will revoke Dr. McCoy’s medical licence."

That gets Jim out of his seat. “What?!” he bursts out, eyes wide. “No, they can’t do that! Bones—he loves being a doctor. They can’t take that away from him.”

"Unfortunately, it is within their authority to do so," Spock shifts his weight—a normal movement for most, but for the Vulcan it was a clear indication of discomfort. "I had suggested that Dr. McCoy offer an abridged version of events in his medical report and that Lieutenant Scott, Lieutenant Uhura and I should do the same, but he insisted on full disclosure. Dr. McCoy was adamant that, though he is highly regarded in his field, a radiation specialist and a neurologist also examine you and make recommendations as to how your treatment should proceed.”

Jim blinks. “Did you just say you offered to lie in an official report?”

Spock lifts one brow. “Of course not. Vulcans do not lie.” he answers smartly. “I merely suggested that we omit certain information.”

"Omit?" Jim echoes, a small grin flashing across his face as he gives a small, disbelieving shake of his head.

"I know the admirals made you my First Officer hoping that you’d rub off on me. I hope I’m there to see their faces when they realize that it’s me who’s rubbing off on you"

Spock opens his mouth, no doubt to deny that he has engaged in any sort of rubbing with the Captain—which normally Jim would find hilarious—but there’s more pressing matters at hand at the moment, so Jim cuts him off.

"Do you know what time the hearing starts?"

"At 0800 hours," Uhura replies, then hesitates before carefully adding, "Maybe it would be better if you didn’t go, though, Jim. If Leonard wanted your support, he would have told you about all of this himself."

Jim is already up and walking to the door, “Well, that’s too bad. He’s getting my support whether he wants it or not, so he’ll just have to deal with it.”

"Uh, Jim?"

"There’s no way I’m letting some Ethics Committee revoke Bones medical license. Or letting them kick him off the Enterprise."

"Jim?"

"Especially for saving my life." Jim swings open the front door and stalks through it and into the hall, caught up in his tirade. "Bones is a damn good doctor, and the best man I’ve ever known. For some Ethics board to question his morals is complete bullshit."

"Captain."

Spock’s use of his title as well as the slightly elevated volume of his voice, prompt Jim to stop short and whirl around.

"What?!?" he demands impatiently.

Uhura doesn’t bother to hide her smile when Spock gestures to the other man’s rumpled t-shirt and sweat pants. “I was simply going to suggest you change into more suitable attire.”

Dropping his gaze and taking in what he’s wearing, Jim reddens slightly. “Oh. Right.” He nods. “Will do.”

"I suspect any protestations you make to the committee will carry more weight if you are wearing your uniform. Captain.”

Did Spock just subtly suggest that he throw his weight around? Jim huffs a surprised laugh. His First Officer was secretly a total rebel.

"Oh. And I would suggest that you refrain from making any mention of bovine excrement."

Jim would normally have taken a moment to boggle at the fact that Spock had just made a joke, but instead just throws a hasty but heartfelt, “Thanks!” over his shoulder as he barrels down the hall towards Bones’ quarters so he can get changed. He has a hearing to crash.


	4. Chapter 4

Love is Pain and Chaos Wrapped in Heartache 4/6

 

**************

 

Leonard McCoy is tired. Tired in a way that goes well beyond just the physical--though he's damn tired in that sense as well.

Ever since Jim had...

Well, just 'ever since', Leonard has been sustaining himself on only a few hours of sleep a night.

A week ago, he'd resorted to using stims just to keep himself going. Of course, as a surgeon he was used to going ridiculous amounts of time without sleep during emergencies. As a result, he was no stranger to hypo-ing himself with the combination of uppers and vitamins that allowed him to keep putting one foot in front of the other. But if anyone else he knew had taken the shots for over 3 days in a row, he would've given them a stern talking to about self-care.

Especially since his 'patient' had been stable for over six days. He really didn't need to stay up every night, perched at Jim's bedside, until exhaustion knocked him out for a couple of restless hours. Nevertheless, he hadn't been able to tear himself away, terrified to let Jim out of his sight. He was too afraid to go to sleep because Jim had died on him, and as long as he could watch the kid just breathe he'd know for sure that he was alive. Leonard hadn't been there when Jim died. He hadn't stopped it. And he knows that there's nothing he could have done had he been there, but that doesn't matter. He still feels as though as long he’s monitoring him at every moment, Jim will be okay. Jim will be safe.

The fact that he's OD-ing on stims does not matter, though, since after the hearing was over, he was finally going to let himself crash. There was no excuse he could manufacture to justify keeping Jim cooped up in his quarters for any longer. Even though the thought of letting Jim leave scared the shit out of him, he had no choice. There was nothing else he could do to make the other man stay. Well, perhaps there was something he could do, but Leonard wasn't sure if he was willing to do it.

Leonard has to make a concerted effort to hold his tongue as Admiral Akondi blathered on and on about Starfleet Medical's high ethical standards. Akondi was one of the board members who'd tried to make what happened with Leonard's father a selling point for why he was morally unsound and a disgrace to the name Starfleet. Luckily, Admiral Barnett and the head of Starfleet Medical, Dr. Philip Boyce, had shut the woman down, reminding her that Leonard had already undergone an ethical review hearing after David McCoy's death and had been cleared of any wrongdoing. Furthermore euthanasia or 'compassionate assistance' as supporters called it had not been illegal in the federation for over ten years now. 

Admiral Mariner had pointed out that Dr. McCoy may not have been legally barred from 'killing his own father', but that Starfleet held its officers to a higher moral standard than the Federation itself did, and that his actions were therefore still relevant to the current discussion.

Leonard finds his eyes drifting to an empty seat on the left side of the Admiral's table. Pike. Damn, Leonard wishes the man was here. He'd pushed his grief aside when Pike had died, knowing that Jim was much more affected, but he feels the older man's loss acutely now. They had developed a relationship of mutual trust and easy camaraderie during the long hours when Leonard had watched over him as the Enterprise limped back to Earth after the Narada incident.

Leonard knows Pike wouldn't have held back if he'd believed Leonard to be in the wrong, but he also is completely certain of Pike's integrity. The faction of Admirals who were trying to railroad Leonard, either because they were letting their own religious beliefs color their judgement, or because they had been staunch supporters of Marcus and his 'the ends justifies the means' mentality, would've been taken to task by Pike.

"It establishes a pattern," Mariner argues, expression hard. "It's absolutely relevant to today's deliberations."

"Enough," Barnett barks, clearly fed up with the small faction of Admirals who didn't want to drop the issue. "The death of David McCoy is irrelevant and not up for further discussion."

Leonard feels the knot in his stomach loosen ever so slightly. Rationally, he knew he had acted in his father's best interests and had granted the terminally ill man's last request out of love and compassion. Emotionally, though, it was difficult to extinguish the self-loathing that sometimes welled up and threatened to overwhelm him.

It was especially hard to listen to people accuse you of murdering your father when you still sometimes looked in the mirror and couldn't help but accuse yourself of the same thing.

Barnett who had been promoted to head Admiral after Marcus' demise left no room for dissension. "Moving on," he begins, but is cut short when the door to the boardroom is abruptly and unceremoniously flung open.

Leonard gapes along with everyone else as Jim Kirk, impeccably outfitted in his dress Captain's uniform, strides into the board room with the intensity of a man on a mission. The sunlight streaming in through the window glints off the blonde's perfectly groomed hair, and the air around him seems to have a golden sheen to it.

Leonard knows he should be upset to see his best friend. After all, he'd made the conscious decision to not tell the Captain about the hearing. But Leonard can't help but be relieved to see the one person who can make everything feel right again.

"I see that you've gotten started without me," Jim quips breezily, looking perfectly at ease as he comes to stand in the middle of the room, facing the elevated table the board members are sitting behind. 

Several of the Admirals literally sputter in response.

Leonard himself almost laughs. Damn, but did Jim know how to make an entrance. No 'excuse me for interrupting' or 'Admirals, may I have a word'. Instead, Jim had walked in like he owned the room, his swagger tempered only by his intent conviction. That cocksure attitude that only Jim can pull off somehow perfectly straddles the fine line between 'a captivating marvel to behold' and 'irritating as all hell'.

And the way that Jim looks in that uniform, the brightness of his eyes. Looking that good should be illegal. Leonard feels his libido lurch for the first time in weeks and curses his traitorous body for its lack of control. Of course, the desire he feels would be easier to crush if seeing Jim like this didn't affect his heart just as much as it did his nether regions.

Admiral Akandi recovers first. "Captain Kirk!" he bellows indignantly. "You can't just burst in and interrupt an official hearing."

"My apologies," Jim responds breezily, clearly not sorry at all. "It just seemed rather incongruous that there would be a hearing held regarding my recent medical care, and that I would not be asked to testify."

Dr. Mariner looks like he has just smelt something foul. "With all due respect, Captain, this matter does not concern you. We are here to discuss Dr. McCoy and his adherence to Starfleet standards of ethics or his lack thereof."

Jim smile grows sharper and Leonard is aware things are about to cross into dangerous territory. "With all due respect, Dr. Mariner," Jim counters, "Bullshit."

Leonard just about swallows his tongue as the board composed of Admirals and doctors erputs.

"Not only am I Captain of the ship that Dr. McCoy serves as CMO on, but I'm also the patient whose life Dr. McCoy saved. I think that gives me--"

"Captain Kirk!" Admiral Barnett finally interrupts, shutting down Jim's arguments as well as all the gasps and offended mutterings of the higher ups around him. "I would remind you that you are addressing your superiors in a formal setting. Any further insubordination will not be tolerated."

Jim's smile fades and he nods once, features now serious.

"However, as a Starfleet Captain, and the patient who received Dr. McCoy's...treatment," Barnett continues, "I am willing to allow you to address the board."

Leonard opens his mouth to object. With Jim, nothing was predictable. He could let his emotions rule his mouth and simply get the board's ire up, or he could tap into his natural eloquence and utilize his considerable intelligence to sway the board in his favor. Normally, Leonard was willing to bet on Jim and see where the chips fell. In this situation, however, he wasn't willing to risk it. Jim always seemed to find a way to blame himself for things that weren't his fault, to take the weight of the world upon his shoulders as if it was his alone to carry. If the board decided to take him off the Enterprise or revoke his medical license after allowing Jim to speak, Jim would surely blame himself for the poor outcome.

Before Leonard can protest, though, Jim has begun speaking.

"Leonard McCoy is one of the best men I've ever known and, to be perfectly frank, having a hearing to debate his ethics is a waste of Starfleet's time, energy and resources, at a time when those things are desperately needed elsewhere." Jim's is holding no punches, his tone matter-of-fact. "San Francisco is dealing with massive damage to roads and major infrastructure, Starfleet Headquarters is in ruins, and half of the Academy campus needs to be rebuilt."

"We're aware of how dire the situation is, Captain Kirk," Admiral Nogushi cuts in, not seeming to appreciate the young captain pointing it out. "That doesn't negate the need for the board to ensure everyone who represents Starfleet is above moral reproach."

"Above moral reproach?" Jim barks a harsh laugh and Leonard knows he's thinking of Admiral Marcus. Apparently deciding that's a topic he doesn't want to get in to, Jim bites his lip and shifts gear. "I can attest to the fact that Dr. McCoy is a man and doctor of moral integrity. He is the CMO of my ship because there is no one else I'd trust more with the lives and health of my crew."

"It is known that you are a close and personal friend of the doctor," Admiral Mariner interjects with a cold curl of thin lips. "It is hard to give much credence to your opinion when it is so clearly biased."

Jim's eyes flare hot. "If the board chooses not to believe that my testimony is sincere, that is its prerogative. However, there is one thing the Admiralty cannot dispute and that is that public trust and support of Starfleet is at an all-time low." Jim pauses to let that sink in. While the admirals are, of course, aware of the clusterfuck they are currently in, it's clear they don't appreciate having it pointed out to them.

"The truth is that Starfleet can't afford to lose talented, high-profile officers such as Dr. McCoy." Jim pauses before he presses on, his voice steadfast and ringing with conviction. "Or myself."

Leonard freezes, his mind suddenly unable to process what Jim was saying. He couldn't mean what it sounded like he meant.

But he did.

"Admirals, I believe it pertinent to inform you that I will not continue to captain the Enterprise if Dr. McCoy is pulled from his current posting."

"Captain Kirk!" Barnett burst out, face red. "The Admirality does not appreciate being given ultimatums."

"It isn't my intention to give one, Admiral Barnett. I am merely stating a fact," Jim counters calmly, gaze unwavering as he meets his superior's glare. "If Dr. McCoy is not returning to the Enterprise, I won't be either."

 

*********


	5. Chapter 5

Love is Pain and Chaos Wrapped in Heartache 5/6

**************

Jim’s gaze is unwavering as he meets his superior’s glare and calmly announces “If Dr. McCoy won’t be returning to the Enterprise, I won’t be returning either.”

Leonard recovers quickly and bolts out of his seat like his ass is on fire.

“Admirals, if I may address the board,” he blurts out, mouth pinched.

“I’m not finished,” Jim begins, but Leonard stalks over and grabs his arm, hard, silencing him.

“If you’ll excuse us a moment,” the doctor requests, forcing an air of calm. “I need to briefly speak with the captain.”

Leonard swears he sees Akondi literally throw his hands up in the air in his peripheral vision, but he’s too busy tugging Jim aside to pay much mind.

“Bones, what are you doing? I wasn’t finished,” Jim complains with a huff. He pulls his arm free from Leonard’s grip and smooths out the fabric on his sleeves with a pointed pout.

“Oh, yes you were, you moron!” Leonard bites out, managing to yell without raising his voice. “What the hell are you thinking?!” he continues, all wild eyes and flying hands. “I mean, I appreciate you sticking your neck out for me, kid, don’t get me wrong. But I can’t let you throw away your career as a captain because you’re too damn loyal for your own good, Jim. Not when I know just what being captain means to you—hell, being captain is your whole life.”

Jim stares at Leonard, who is panting, breathless from his rant. “Being captain’s not my whole life, Bones,” he counters, voice soft.

Jim freezes for a second and it’s clear he hadn’t meant to say that. Leonard’s still blinking at him stupidly as Jim drops his gaze and clears his throat. “Besides, I wouldn’t even have a life if it wasn’t for you.”

Leonard sighs, his ire having been spent. Leave it to Jim to fall on his sword to save someone else. For a self-proclaimed selfish bastard, Jim was the most selfless person he knew. “Look, I’m grateful that you’d try to help me like this,” Leonard acknowledges with a hand rubbing at the back of his neck. “But I’m not gonna let you screw yourself over.”

“Bones! It’s going to be fine,” Jim protests adamantly. “This whole thing is completely ridiculous. You didn’t do anything wrong, and Starfleet needs us too much to—“

“Jim,” Leonard interrupts, quietly but firmly. “Just…let me handle this, okay? I’ve got everything under control.” The doctor watches a plethora of emotions cross Jim’s face. Annoyance, defiance, hurt, uncertainty. “As much as I appreciate the grand gesture, I really do think it’s unnecessary,” Leonard adds, not wanting Jim to think his efforts are unwanted.

Jim has never been one to sit on the sidelines, especially when stakes are high. And this is Bones’ life. Stakes are fucking enormous. Jim nods, but the gesture is clearly a reluctant one. “Fine,” he agrees before crossing his arms over his chest and giving Leonard a defiant look. “But if they try to take ‘disciplinary action’ or whatever, I’m not making any promises.”

Leonard takes in the look of fierce devotion in Jim’s eyes and feels his chest burn. This fucking kid. It’s all too much. And not enough.

“Sounds like a deal to me,” Leonard replies once he manages to get his voice out past the tightness in his throat. Leonard rolls his eyes. “Now stop strutting around like a goddamned peacock and have a seat.”

Leonard doesn’t turn back as he approaches the board members and asks if he might continue with his testimony, but he can feel Jim’s answering grin all the same.

____________________________

Leonard was hoping his testimony wouldn’t be dragged out, but he’d been fielding questions from the Admirals for over an hour already. First they’d wanted him to recount the events that had transpired, though they already had a written statement detailing what had happened. Then they’d asked him a bunch of ideological questions about his thoughts on the role of ethics in medicine. Uh, yeah. He thought they were important. Duh.

That had been followed by question after question asking some variation of: Do you think you are a morally corrupt individual?

No matter how many times he states that, while he agrees his actions were unorthodox, given the situation, he believes he acted in good conscience, the board members seem unsatisfied.

"And you don’t think that bringing Captain Kirk back from the dead was ethically questionable?" Mariner asks with a cool glare.

Leonard’s patience is getting thin. His accent is slipping out more and more as he answers each successive question, and he cares less and less about being polite as the proceedings trudge along.

"I believe what would have been ethically questionable would’ve been my NOT bringing him back,” Leonard snaps, not holding any punches. As doctors, our job is to preserve life whenever possible."

"Preserving life and restoring it are two very different things, Dr. McCoy. Yes, doctors are meant to save lives, but they are not meant to play God and raise people from the dead.”

"First of all, in the interest of respecting beings of infinite diversity in infinite combinations, Starfleet and the Federation as a whole espouse the separation of religious beliefs from societal laws and regulations. That means you can be offended cause I supposedly likened myself to a supreme being that you happen to believe in. But you can't impose your feelings on the law. In fact, your trying to have me officially censured because I violated your personal religious beliefs is in itself ethically questionable.”

"Secondly, since when are doctors barred from bringing people back from the dead? What the hell do you call CPR or the use of defibrillators? That’s the restoration of life after a being has stopped breathing, experienced a cessation of pulse, or both. In other words, it’s making a dead patient regain life."

"And what about patients who posses no brain function but are kept on life support? They might seem alive— they might still have a heartbeat, ventilators might make it look like they’re breathing, but the legal definition of death states that there’s no life present when brain activity ceases. Yet we still keep these people hooked up to machines that make ‘em look alive if the family refuses to let them go.”

Leonard pauses for a moment then and visibly collect his thoughts. “And I’m not saying that’s right or that’s wrong. Just that medical ethics are complicated and that grey areas do exist.”

"As for my use of a serum whose effects were unknown, normally I’d agree that administering an experimental treatment on a patient is morally reprehensible, but as you have repeatedly pointed out," the doctor continues, looking the board members in the eye, "the patient in question was already dead. It’s not like the serum could’ve made him any deader."

Leonard hears Jim cough to mask his snort of amusement, and wants to turn around a punch the kid. He knows logically that it’s his sarcasm that Jim finds amusing, but nothing about this situation is funny. Jim had been dead.

"The bottom line is that an opportunity to restore life arose and I made a judgement call to take that opportunity," Leonard states, his tone letting everyone in the room know that he’s _done_. ”And if I had to do it all over again, I would make the same choice. Without question.”

Leonard can feel Jim’s eyes on him as he takes his seat, but he doesn’t turn around.

 

*


	6. Love is Pain and Chaos Wrapped in Heartache 6/6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Anyone else on that slab, already cold, completely gone...I don't know what I would have done. But it wasn't anyone else, Jim. It was you, so there wasn't even a question. There wasn't even a choice," Leonard doesn't try to hide or temper what he's feeling. For once he lets everything show. "I wasn't going to let you go, because I couldn't, Jim. Because I can't."_
> 
> _Leonard sees the moment it clicks with Jim. His blue eyes flash with hope, but it's clear that he's grappling, scared to let himself believe._
> 
> _"Bones...what are you saying?" Jim carefully asks._
> 
> _Leonard drops one of his hands to the back of Jim's neck and gently guides him forward until their faces are only separated by a few inches._
> 
> _"I'm saying that I love you, Darlin'." The words come out so much more easily than expected them to. "I love you."_

-

You were seriously amazing, Bones!" Jim continues to gush as Leonard opens the front door to his quarters and steps aside so his best friend can precede him inside.

"Uh, huh," Leonard agrees noncommittally, an amused smirk gracing his otherwise haggard face as he watches Jim basking in his victory.

"Did you see Akondi's face when Barnett cleared you of all wrong doing--and then commended you on your "continued admirable service to Starfleet"?" Jim practically rubs his hands together with glee. "I thought he was gonna lose it."

"Yeah, yeah," Leonard says, unbuttoning the top four buttons of his dress uniform as he watches Jim head into his bedroom, presumably to get out of his Captain attire. Leonard pointedly does not look at Jim's ass as he walks away. "I'm just glad the whole thing's over," he finishes, taking off his own uniform, which leaves him in his white undershirt and his boxers. The doctor hesitates for a moment, not wanting to bust into his room to get a pair of sweats from the dresser in case Jim is still changing. Which is stupid, because he's seen Jim in various stages of undress over the years. Somehow, it's only gotten harder and harder not to look as time has gone on.

Jim saves Leonard from making a decision when he emerges from the bedroom, dressed in a t-shirt and sweats that lay slung low across his hips, a pair of Leonard's pants in his hands.

"Figured you'd want this," Jim says, tossing the sweats to his best friend.

"Uh, yeah. Thanks." Leonard tries to pretend he doesn't notice the way Jim has gone still and pink-cheeked. He'd be lying if he claimed to not find it highly amusing to see Jim so flustered.

"Even Spock would've been impressed."

"Pardon?" Leonard chokes, at first thinking Jim meant the Vulcan would've been impressed by the sight of him in his underwear.

"By you. At the hearing," Jim explains, flopping onto the couch with a grin. "The way you laid the smackdown on the Admirals, logic-style! It was like you were channeling Spock. Bam--outlogic'ed, bitches!"

Leonard can't help but feel a smidgen of annoyance at the mention of Spock. Spock. Who Jim had thanked for saving his life. Spock. Who seemed to now have this special bond with _his_ best friend. The doctor knew such feels were...well, illogical. But sometimes logic was overrated. 

"First of all, 'Outlogic'ed, bitches'? And they let you captain a starship?" Leonard quips, crossing his arms. "Secondly, compare me to that pointy-eared hobglobin again and I'll have to get my tricoder and check you for brain damage."

Jim rolls his eyes. "I wasn't comparing you to Spock," he dismisses with a wave. "Spock is great, but you're.... _you_." Jim pauses and laughs a bit nervously before trying to gloss over what he'd just said. "I just meant you combined the logic of a Vulcan with that trademark McCoy 'suffers no fools' attitude, and ended up with a 'Live Long and Go Fuck Yourself' vibe."

Leonard barks out a laugh at that. "Pretty sure 'Live Long and Go Fuck Yourself" isn't anywhere in the trial transcripts, kid."

Jim just grins at him. "It went unsaid, Bones, but believe me, it came across loud and clear."

The two men’s eyes met and, almost simultaneously they began to laugh. It was the sort of relieved, giddy laughter that comes when a stressful situation eases and the adrenaline you’ve been running on crashes.

The laughter dies a natural end. Leonard tilts his head back over the top of the couch and, closing his eyes, lets out a breath. Jim was safe. Alive. Starfleet was no longer breathing down his neck. He allows himself a moment of calm.

"Why didn't you tell me? About the hearing?"

Leonard’s eyes snap back open. Moment over.

Turning his head, the doctor is met with Jim’s gaze, serious and searching.

"Because I knew you'd insist on showing up and making a scene,” Leonard explains, glancing away. Jim’s eyes are too blue. “Which is exactly what you ended up doing,” he adds pointedly.

“Damn right,” Jim agrees unapologetically. "I wasn't gonna let you face the firing squad on your own, Bones."

Leonard makes himself meet Jim’s intent gaze. "Thank you…” he replies with sincerity. “I just wish you hadn't thrown yourself into the line of fire, Jim. You could have lost your ship--"

“--You're not the only one willing to risk his career to save his best friend, Bones,” Jim interrupts and his mouth is held in a tight line. It’s the look of someone who is fully convinced of the rightness of their actions and won’t let you waste your time trying to convince them otherwise.”

Leonard is humbled and can only offer another soft, “Well…thank you.”

Jim stares at him for another moment, before he lets his own head tilt back. “Did you really think they were gonna take your medical license away?"

"I had no fucking clue, kid," Leonard admits. And it's true. It's also true that he'd trade his license and his career as a doctor in an instant if it even a chance at saving Jim's life. "I knew it was a possibility..."

"I've gotta admit, I was a little worried when Spock and Uhura told me what was going on. I mean...cryogenically freezing a...well, dead body, and then injecting it with serum made from the blood of a genetically altered psychopath. It sounds pretty bad."

Leonard tries not to react to Jim's use of the words 'dead body' in reference to himself. "It sounds more than just 'pretty bad', Jim" he counters a bit harshly.

Jim doesn't seem to notice. "After listening to you argue your case, and hearing your reasons for bringing me back, though, I knew there was no way the board could rule against you."

Leonard can't help himself any longer. And honestly, he's not sure that he wants to. He's been standing at the edge of a cliff ever since Jim's temporary death, knowing that he could no longer justify his fear of jumping. The doctor leans forward and places his hands on his knees.

"Those weren't the reasons I brought you back, Jim."

"Huh?"

Jim is staring in with absolute confusion, and Leonard is tempted to actually facepalm. "You've got to be kidding me. You really still don't get it."

The doctor snorts, dismayed at how such a genius could be so blind. 

"Those things I said to the board....the reasons I gave them for saving you--It was complete bullshit, Jim!"

"What?" Jim stops and squints at his best friend's confession. "What do you talking about?"

"I didn't save you because it was the ethical thing to do, Jim. Or because I'm a doctor, and it's my job to preserve live whenever possible. I did it because it was you, Jim!" Leonard blurts out.

Jim's brows furrow in genuine, absolute confusion and it suddenly hits Leonard that Jim's obliviousness stems from all the times during his childhood that somebody made him feel like he wasn't good enough, that he wasn't worth sticking around for Jim can't see what's right in front of his face because he's been blinded to the possibility that anyone could ever find him worth loving, and as soon as that knowledge sinks in, Leonard has no choice but to show make Jim see.

Leonard gently takes Jim's face in his hands, pads of his fingers lightly skimming through hair and looks directly into the younger man's widening eyes.

"Anyone else on that slab, already cold, completely gone...I don't know what I would have done. But it wasn't anyone else, Jim. It was you, so there wasn't even a question. There wasn't even a choice," Leonard doesn't try to hide or temper what he's feeling. For once he lets everything show. "I wasn't going to let you go, because I couldn't, Jim. Because I can't."

Leonard sees the moment it clicks with Jim. His blue eyes flash with hope, but it's clear that he's grappling, scared to let himself believe.

"Bones...what are you saying?" Jim carefully asks.

Leonard drops one of his hands to the back of Jim's neck and gently guides him forward until their faces are only separated by a few inches.

"I'm saying that I love you, Darlin'." The words come out so much more easily than he'd thought they would. "I love you."

"Bones," Jim breathes out, and the sound of his name of the younger man's lips reminds Leonard of the way Jim looks at the stars: full of wonder.

He's not sure who kisses who, but Jim's lips are pressed against his and suddenly there's nothing else in the universe.

The kiss is a slow burn, thorough and deep.

"Bones....Bones...." Jim murmurs, panting as he pulls back to catch his breath, lips wet and reddened. "Holy crap, you're good at that."

Bones huffs a breathy laugh. "There are a lot of things I'm good at, kid."

Jim groans both at the bravado and the implication. When he pulls back and Leonard can see that his eyes are shining, the lines that crinkle around them when he's truly happy, are out in full force. 

The captain stops and visibly takes a deep breath then, a nervous little grin flirting across his mouth. "Bones," he says again, but this time with a sense of gravitas and intent that belies the importance of what he's about to say. "I love you, too."

Leonard simply stares at Jim for a moment before he releases a bark of laughter. He can't help it. Jim is acting like he's making some grand, dramatic confession.

"Yeah," the doctor tells him, the fondness in his eyes softening his smirk. "I know you do, Jim. I’ve known since our second year at the Academy.”

Jim's eyebrows climb halfway up his forehead. "You know? What do you mean you know?" he asks, befuddled. "I never said anything, or did anything that would've given myself away--"

"I hate to break it to you," Leonard interrupted, "but you're about as subtle as a sledgehammer, kid."

“No, I’m not,” Jim automatically denies with a scowl, but he knows that he probably is so the expression is fleeting. “Why didn't you ever say anything?”

Leonard drops his hands so they’re dangling over his knees and sighs. “At first, I thought you just wanted something casual. Your usual deal. And, uh, yeah, I wouldn’t have minded gettin’ you into bed, but I knew I wouldn’t have been able to handle that--having you, but not having you the way I really wanted."

"It was always different with you, Bones. I didn't want my usual deal," Jim tells him.

“I know. I figured out you were serious once we got on the Enterprise,” Leonard replies, “but by then…it felt like I was constantly trying to piece you back together. Like I was always trying to keep you from getting yourself killed.”

Jim winces at the pointed look Leonard shoots his way.

“Then you did die.” Bones suddenly looks tired, lines appearing around his eyes. Bones bitching about Jim aging him before his time flies through the captain's mind and suddenly it's not such a big joke. “And I wanted to tell you when you woke up. I did.”

“But you haven’t because you’ve been pissed at me for getting myself killed,” Jim surmises

"I was never pissed at you for ‘getting yourself killed’, Jim," Leonard denies honestly. " Damn right I wasn’t happy ‘bout it, but I know you had no choice. You had to save your crew…hell, if you hadn’t done what you did, we all would have died that day—you included.”

Jim frowns. “So, you’re not mad at me?” 

"Mad at you?” Leonard echoes before letting out a huff of weak, raspy laughter. “I was never mad at you, Jim. I'm _scared_ of you."

Leonard abruptly stands up, putting a few steps between himself and Jim.

"Scared of me? Why?" Jim rises to his feet but doesn’t move forward, at a loss.

"Because you have the power to wreck me, Jim!” Leonard bursts out in a artless rush, spinning around so they’re face to face. “I thought space was scary, but that’s nothing compared to _this_.” Leonard’s hazel eyes are wild, face flushed as lays his soul bare. “Love is pain and chaos wrapped in heartache, Jim. And being in love with you? It scares the shit out of me."

"Bones--"

"You're reckless, selfless, ready to sacrifice yourself without hesitation, let yourself get torn to pieces. And one day....” Leonard’s laugh verges toward hysterical. “Well, all the king's men and all the king's horses, Jim."

"Bones--"

"And you get bored easily and have never had a serious relationship. Who’s to say you won't decide you don't want to be tied down after all, and that you miss being free to sleep with whoever you want, whenever you want to?"

"Bones, please--"

"My heart? It's yours to break, Jim,” Leonard’s voice cracks, his words falling like a heavy iron armor being peeled off and dropped to the floor. “And that's terrifying as hell."

“And you don’t think _I’m_ terrified?” Jim interjects with dismay. His hands are flying around him spasmodically, and it makes him look like a bug pinned to the wall. “I’ve never done this before, Bones. I’ve never needed anybody before," he reminds his best friend plainly. "But I need you.”

Leonard inhales sharply. Of the two of them, Jim’s always been the risk-taker, willing to barge into any situation, come what may. He’d been so caught up in his own worry, that he hadn’t given any thought to Jim’s. Leonard looks at his best friend and sees the pleading in his expression, the vulnerability in his body language, arms flung apart at his sides, palms up and open. Leonard sees Jim’s fear that, despite Leonard’s confessions, he still is about to be rejected.

“And you’ve got me,” Leonard assures the younger man with soft conviction. He closes the distance between them and reaches out to cup Jim’s cheek in his palm. “Believe me, Jim. You’ve got me."

"Yeah?" Jim asks in small voice, and Leonard hears what he doesn't say: you better be sure, because you can't give me this and take it away again.

“Do you still scare me shitless?” Leonard posits with a humorless laugh. “Like you wouldn't believe, kid. But I’m not gonna let that stop me anymore. Because I finally figured something out, Jim…” Leonard falters for a second as an image of Jim being brought into sickbay, lifeless flashes through his mind. “If you die, it’s gonna destroy me.”

“Bones—“

“It would, Jim. It would wreck me,” Leonard presses on. “I’ve known that for a long time, and that’s why I never told you how I felt. Because I thought if held back, I could keep protect myself...keep myself from ever having to feel that way. But it didn’t…I saw you in that body bag…” Leonard stops and shakes his head, overwhelmed. “It didn’t matter that we’d never taken that last step--it still killed me to see you like that. And…the fact that I’d wasted all the time we could’ve had together? It just made it worse.”

Jim isn’t sure what to say, so he just runs one hand up Leonard’s arm until he reaches his shoulder and lays it on top, a comforting weight. The warm, solid presence of a living body.

“I’m done wasting time, Jim.” Leonard suddenly vows, making a determined face “I don’t want you to go to your quarters, Jim.”  
Jim pulls a face at the rather abrupt comment. “Um…okay?”

“I was gonna let you leave tonight cause you’re well enough and I, uh...couldn’t invent any good reasons to keep you here,” Leonard admits a bit sheepishly. “But now I’m telling you. I want you to stay. I want you to always stay.”

Jim blinks for a moment before he grins and gives a short, rueful laugh. “I may have been thinking about complaining of a headache or something. So I could justify not leaving for my own rooms tonight.”

Leonard snorts. “Christ, aren’t we a pair.”

"Fuck, yeah, we are," Jim exclaims, purposefully misconstruting the comment. "Spock and Uhura better watch out. They don't have 'Enterprise's Cutest Couple' on lockdown anymore. We are gonna be so much more adorable than they are. We're gonna be _nauseating_."

Leonard laughs loudly. "Jesus, Jim. Never change," he says with an amused grin before, smile falling away, his expression grows serious.

"I don't want you to change…and I don’t expect you to change. But please, Jim,” Leonard pleads, pride be damned. “Please be more careful. I don’t want to see you like that again. I don’t want to not being able to bring you back.”

Jim takes a deep breath. He wants to say the right thing, but all he’s got is the truth.“I can’t make any promises…I can’t say I’ll always be around. But I can promise that the only way I’d leave you is if I’m dragged away kicking and screaming, Bones." Pausing, he drop his gaze.

“I used to…I’d do things that were. I never had a death wish, no matter what people might’ve said. But I didn’t really care either. Whatever happened, happened, you know? Now…Bones, I care. Because I have friends, and the Enterprise, my crew, yeah. But mostly because of you,” Jim admits, cheeks pink, eyes darting up to meet Leonard’s once again.

“When I was lying in that radiation chamber, I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to go where you wouldn’t be.” I’m not gonna get myself killed for no reason. I’m not going to be stupid or reckless. I’m gonna do everything I can to come home. To you.”

Leonard takes in a deep breath and lets himself be soothed. “And that’s all I can ask for.”

The two men's lips meet again, and this time, the kiss is harder, more demanding, the need they have to be surrounded by the heat and sound and feel of each other, a physical thing.

“We’re gonna do that all the time,” Jim informs Leonard as he pulls back with a breathless gasp.

Leonard smiles against Jim’s mouth. “You won’t hear any,” he drawls, pausing to capture Jim’s plump bottom lip with his teeth and tug, “complaints from me."

Jim draws back far enough to look intently into Leonard's eyes.

"So we're doing this, right? I mean, all in, you and me?" he asks hopefully.

Leonard feels a bit light-headed and his heart races in his chest. His fears haven't magically gone away with his confessions, and he can see in Jim's eyes that the other man's fears haven't easier. They are both facing the thing that terrifies them the most. But they are facing it together.

It occurs to Leonard that he's jumped off a cliff before, simply because Jim asked him to. He's about to jump off another one--this time a metaphorical cliff. He's not sure how or why this leap is so much scarier than that literal free-fall, but when Jim had died with him still sitting on the top of that precipice--just looking out and wanting, he'd been with faced something even more terrifying, so he repeats reaches out for Jim's hand and laces their fingers together.

"Yeah, Jim, we're doing this," he promises, squeezing Jim's hand as the blond's blue eyes shine bright and happy. "All in. You and me."

 

*******

A/N: So, here's the final part to Love is Chaos and Pain Wrapped in Heartache. Big thanks to everyone who's been following the story, liking and reblogging, and welcome to everyone who only reads completed works and are just venturing over now.

I hate final chapters. I always worry the ending won't live up to expectations. Hope this one does.


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